Live and Learn

Jeremy, it's all about me, you might want to skip this blog entry... in fact most of my loyal 6 blog readers may just want to skip reading this post, and tune back in a month or two when I decide to post again... if you are curious about the goings on in my demented head, then I guess you can read on... just don't say I didn't warn you!! A person can learn a lot about themselves in extreme situations. The past month, 3 months, year and a half, have given me some incredible insight about yours truely, all of which I have recently began to understand. I'm hoping to come out on the other side a stronger person, but right now I am completely disgusted by this shell of a person that I am. What have I learned, you ask? I learned that I am weak... weak... weak... I have not stood up for myself, stood my ground, or asked for what is fairly mine. I have allowed myself to be walked all over, to have my feelings trampled and my passions distinguished. I have been made to feel guilty for my strengths, and to almost hide my abilities as to make others more comfortable. I have agreed to halt my passions, my strengths, my abilities all to keep others from being jeolous. I have chosen my words so very carefully as to not hurt others feelings, keeping my own feeling inside. Yet somehow I have offended the very people that I am trying to tiptoe around their feelings. I have slinked to the side, to the background, smiling and keeping it in. I have watched as others persue my passion. And yet I am made to feel like the bad guy... Okay, so a bit dramatic, I agree. But when someone asked me recently if I had any regrets, it really made me think. And the only regrets I have are the ones about not standing up for myself, for not being more vocal about concerns, unfairness, my own desires. I don't normally feel like a weak person, but in this situation, when business is mixed with friendship, I was completely spineless... I do not regret walking away from it, at all period. I just regret that it didn't happen on my terms. And 15 months ago, before it all got completly out of control. Not the typical Minicircus blog entry, but I warned you. I'm hoping that by actually typing what I have been composing in my head for the past 2 weeks will get me some closure. And I'm hoping that I will begin to be strong... strong... strong...